Do you know the song by Matthew West called I’m Broken? If not I highly suggest listening to it. How many times, on any given day, do we respond to someone asking, “How are you today?” with, “I’m fine.” I do it more times than I can count. And like the song, the truth is I’m broken.
If I was honest I would spout off a laundry list of medical issues I’m dealing with. How horrible and fatigued I feel. How I often barely have enough energy to speak, move or even think. But instead, “I’m fine.”
There’s a fear associated with being honest isn’t there? Maybe the people at my job will think I can’t handle the work. People might just get tired of you and all your problems. You don’t want to seem weak. You don’t want to feel like you do so maybe by ignoring it you can convince yourself you are indeed, fine. Maybe I’m just being dramatic, I think to myself as I remind my body to stay awake. Something is wrong but still, “I’m fine.”
I get home from work greeted by my husband and my dogs. I’m weak, I smile. I try and give a hug but honestly, I’m just ready to pass out. And not because I’ve had a horribly taxing day. But simply because my body just struggles but still, “how are you, how was your day?”, “I’m fine.”
The part that upsets me the most, I suppose, is that I want to do more. I want to be more. I want to give more. But since I’m not fine, all I can do is do the little bit that I already do. Forget being ambitious or “living the dream.” I’m too tired to dream. People tell me I shouldn’t feel this way. I’ve been this way for so long that this is normal. Meanwhile, my work suffers, and my relationships suffer. All I have the energy to do is lock myself away in my room with no responsibility. But then I don’t. I don’t just want to wither away and die. I want to live fully. Enjoy what life I have left and chase a few dreams, if I could start dreaming again.
So why would I share something so personal when I can’t even answer an honest question about how I’m doing? Because I know I’m not alone. And that’s the whole point of this blog. To share things we are afraid to talk about because they are personal. Yet we suffer alone and in silence. Maybe there’s a reason we feel the way we do. And when we discover it, we can tell someone else and help them to heal. Or maybe we all just feel a little less alone.
In the meantime, I will keep searching for answers (see my health blog) and trust that how I feel is not forever. It’s just a roadblock in life and an opportunity for me to pray and listen to God to direct my future. And if you’re going through this, I understand.
Hugs and blessings to you.
