The Up’s & Down’s, The Waiting and Seeking
I still remember the day I felt a physical nudge from God regarding the calling on my life. It started with a guest pastor asking if we knew what our calling was. I felt catapulted out of my pew and went to the front of the church…
“God is calling me to music ministry.”
After many years serving on the worship team at my church, I began writing more and more Christian and worship songs and slowly began recording them for a CD. It was at that time that my marriage began falling apart. I was rattled with guilt. How can I, who claims to be a Christian, think my Christian songs would have any bearing when my marriage was in shambles? What kind of example or Christian am I? Still, I pressed on as song after song came to me during my own storms.
The Tour Begins
I went out and ministered in my “Breaking Out” tour visiting churches and watching people be saved and renewing their lives in Christ while my whole world was falling apart. I didn’t see all that at the time but have later been able to reflect on that. I know God can use us in the most vulnerable and ugly places in our lives to bless others. And he did just that. It’s clear that was God and not me. I believed every word I said and every song I sang but it was through God’s anointing that the words came out, as it should be.
At the same time, I had gotten involved in a local Christian Music Association. I remember them picking out which songs (Christian songs mind you) that they felt would be appropriate to sing at their convention. Like my music was so sinful because there were electric guitars in it. I felt judged and began to question myself further. The enemy likes to tear us down in some of the strangest ways. Those lies complemented the mess of my life. I was critiqued and judged by nearly every pastor in each church before I shared my music and testimony. In one way I can’t say as I blame them but in a time of turmoil, I had the lies of “not good enough” practically branded on my forehead.
And then…… I just got tired and felt there were too many signs pointing me away from the calling. Too many people who confirmed that I was not a good enough Christian to be singing about God. Not Christian enough to help others find their salvation or a renewed life in God. And I believed every single lie.
Fast forward nearly 20 years later:
“God, what do you want me to do with this gift and what I believed to be a calling on my life?”
I started out this year strong truly believing I had received an answer to prayer. That answer turned into another closed door, or maybe it was never open in the first place but I walked through it anyway. And I was frustrated, a little angry, hurt, pretty much all the “feels.” But God knows me and my stubbornness and what came to mind was, “I have to show you want not to do in your life so you will be open to what I want you to do in your life.” I’m a pretty stubborn Christian often needing to be hit over the head with a two by four. So, this seems like an accurate response to the “what was that about?” question I had been stewing on.
The funny thing about God and about gifts and callings, is even when you’ve faced another roadblock. Even when you don’t know the “how” or the “what now”, there is still hope. And I’m reminded that even during some really tough times in my life or when I felt like I wasn’t doing enough, for those people whose lives were changed, I was doing enough. And then we go through another season of seeking, always seeking because that is what God asks of us. And sometimes, what seems like answers, are just speed bumps knocking us back onto the path God intended for us because we stubbornly go headlong into stuff that was never intended for our lives.
In seeking God for answers I’m reminded:
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- The work God wants to do is huge and the enemy will always fight it
- God’s timing, not mine
- Sometimes you go through the “not this” before you’re shown the “this.”
- Everything that seems like a closed door is a growing and learning moment.
- God doesn’t give gifts he doesn’t intend to use for His glory.
I was listening to a sermon today that said that your calling is something you will have to fight for. Oh boy has it been an uphill battle. But even in that uphill battle, I often only saw the roadblocks and not the positive work that transpired through the battle.
Questioning The Timing
I finally found my way to Nashville TN a little over 2 years ago, a place I’ve wanted to live for some 25+ years. A place filled with music. With boundless places to share songs written, and iconic places to record music. Talented musicians who can transform this passion and gift into something amazing and I face confusion.
Why now? Don’t get me wrong, I love being in Nashville but all the reasons I wanted to come here over 25 years ago, I guess I outgrew them. Yet there is still this pull to music, to create and do something here but what and how? In that same questioning, I know that God is the doer of the impossible. What I see as roadblocks God simply sees victory. Then the doubt, what if I’m pursuing me and not God? And I remember that walk to the front of the church so sure I knew. And today God reminded me, “Yeah you knew.”
You can have a calling and not know how you are going to be able to achieve it. That’s where God comes in, that’s why we must always seek him.
Where is your heart?
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- Always search your heart for your intentions. Your calling should always point upward not inward.
- God makes the possible out of the impossible
- Be ever seeking God and his path ready to lay down what you want for what He wants
I supposed I simply want to end with a word of hope and encouragement. It’s easy to miss those precious moments where God did amazing things through us when we are waiting on clarity. Sadly we don’t often see it at the time because our focus is all wrong. But if your heart aches for something that you know is from God, he will make a way. Don’t give up hope and don’t ever stop seeking God and making him bigger than anything else in your life. I can’t wait to share more of the work that God is doing through my life to give you hope and encouragement as you continue your walk with Him.
