In the still of the night Katie sits alone peering into her tea waiting for the answers, she’s pleaded with God to give her. Having been up for hours reliving the previous events of the past few weeks, she tries to come to grips with what her life has become. This isn’t the first time she’s been down this road, but this time it’s the darkest she’s ever felt. The feelings come in waves but usually, the nights are lonely and her mind races with more questions than answers. “If only God would give me a sign and understanding,” she mutters to herself feeling the frustration and anger coming to the surface again. “Why do I always feel so alone and like God is punishing me?”
~
It was a little over a month ago that Katie was on top of the world. Everything seemed to be falling into place. The job of her dreams was in sight, her kids were excelling in school, she and her husband had rekindled their romance and she was at peace. It was a long road to get there and she clawed and climbed up every mountain along the way.
She never expected, or even asked for a perfect life, but she struggled for so many years. It was nice to finally feel that life was on track. “I should have known God would throw a curveball and send me careening back down the mountain,” she hissed with disgust, “I’m pretty sure he just hates me.”
~
Katie had never been overly popular growing up and she lacked much self-confidence when it came to most things in life. She always put on a happy and brave face around everyone but there was always a war inside her mind waiting to jumble up the calm. She loved simple things, feel-good movies, nature, and her art. It made her feel more in tune with the simplicity of life and allowed her to take time to enjoy what was pure and honest in the world. Anything outside of that brought more stress and anxiety. That’s why she favored the simpler and happy things in an effort to quiet the raging unease that lingered under the surface.
She had been in this place before but to a lesser degree. It wasn’t unlike her to be upset and rehashing things that were best left somewhere else, but this was an evil trying to unravel every ounce of faith she had in the world and mostly, in God. Something dark and sinister took its hold on her as she tried to fight off the resentment she had toward God for taking away everything she held dear and precious to her.
A crash came from the upstairs bedroom shaking her from her emotional distress as she made the climb she’s already taken so many times today. She knew what she would see. Her frail husband with his eyes filled with sadness and regret as his body gave out from cancer. “Damn you cancer and all that you’ve taken away from me,” she screamed in her head while trying to hold back the tears. She rounded the corner to see her husband trying to sit up and uncover himself. “What are you doing Greg?” she asked with all the loving concern she could muster at the moment.
“I was trying to get a drink of water and knocked the glass off the table. I’m sorry for the mess I made. You shouldn’t have to keep cleaning up after me,” he weakly replied.
“I’ve told you so many times, it’s okay and we will weather this storm together. Don’t worry about the glass, it’ll take me just a second to clean. You need your sleep so you can watch our girls be promoted from 8th grade tomorrow.” Katie knew very well he wouldn’t be strong enough to make it to their promotion ceremony but she knew he was counting on it so she went along with it to not crush his goals. He was already so defeated. The cancer was weakening him faster than the doctor said it would.
She hurried and cleaned up the mess, grabbed a new glass of water and gave him a quick drink, and arranged his pillow just the way he liked. “I love you, Greg, sleep well,” she said and headed back down the stairs.
It had been a full 24hrs since she got any sleep but Greg was needing care full-time and the state aid hadn’t had time to process the paperwork to get her any help. Physically and mentally she was exhausted but her mind would not stay quiet. The crushing weight of her anger about her situation kept away the peace she needed to get to sleep and she found that she spent much of her time telling God how angry she was at him.
~
At the beginning of his diagnosis, she prayed day and night that he would have a miracle. “Didn’t I believe enough; didn’t I pray the right way?” She felt God simply wanted to punish her and that is why Greg never got any better. As it became evident that he wasn’t going to have a miraculous recovery she felt the darkness come over her little by little until it took over her every waking moment. It all came to a head last week when the doctor said it was time to put him on hospice, and that it wouldn’t be much longer. Once she came home and settled him in the recliner, she went to the school to pick up the girls and sat in the car, and screamed as loud as she could. “Why are you doing this to me?” She sobbed while pounding the steering wheel. But the answers never came, just the loneliness of her sobs filled the car.
~
Somewhere in the night, Katie drifted off to sleep in the recliner with vivid dreams of her husband coming in to kiss her and pull a blanket over her. As she began to awaken she kept her eyes closed because the dream had been a reminder that life was once a fairytale and she had regret over not seeing it for the treasure it was. The dread of the day threatened to destroy her moment of peaceful bliss as the sun cast warmth on her face through the oval window of the living room. She took a long moment to stretch and felt an unusual weight on her and brought her hands back down to feel the soft blanket Greg got her for Christmas. Dazed and confused, she quickly popped open her eyes and tried to focus on the room fairly certain she saw Greg sitting on the couch in front of her. She blinked and rubbed her eyes trying to make sense of the situation when she heard, “Good morning love.”
Startled she sat the recliner up with her eyes wide trying to make sense of seeing her husband sitting on the couch with coffee in hand. “Greg?”
“Yes it’s me, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” he chuckled.
“Well I should say, you’ve been in bed for 3 days straight, I didn’t expect to see you downstairs.”
“I have been very tired lately and the news of how fast the cancer was spreading really weakened my spirits. But I have a promotion to go to this afternoon and wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’s not every day your two beautiful twin daughters finish 8th grade and are headed to high school!”
“Well no but……. I mean……..well I’m glad you are feeling strong enough to come with us!” Elated with the situation Katie walked over and gave her husband a lingering kiss and wrapped them both in the blanket. They sat silently for a while watching the room fill with the morning sun and then began talking about memories of the girls from finding out they were having twins, to them becoming the young teens they are in the present. After nearly two hours they both agreed it was time to make this the most memorable day possible and Katie set out to cook a celebratory breakfast while Greg made his way to shower and get the stink off of him, as the girls would say after he’d been working hard outside.
Greg didn’t know where the energy came from for the day or even why he was hungry since he’d hardly been hungry or had the strength to do anything but sleep the past 3 days but he managed to shower and shave and praised God for this day over and over again.
~
Katie was still in disbelief as she prepared the girl’s favorite breakfast, blueberry waffles with strawberry whipped cream. She was overcome with emotions and, for the first time in weeks, turned on the radio to the Christian station. As she began singing about God’s love and mercies, the darkness that had been weighing on her heart for the past several weeks began to lift. Katie felt ashamed for her lack of faith. “I’m sorry God, I know your ways are not my ways and I don’t always understand. Help me to have more faith in your plans for our family. And thank you for today.” She quickly wiped away the tears and whispered, “Amen” as the girls made their way down the stairs.
“Hi Mom,” Brooklyn said with a sadness that crushed Katie’s soul.
“Hello, sweet daughter of mine. I hope you slept well.”
“Not really, Sam and I stayed up most of the night praying for Dad to get better. We looked in on him a couple of times but he was sleeping again as he has been for the last 3 days. We don’t understand why God won’t answer our prayers and make him better. We were afraid to even look at him this morning. I feel bad, I know Dad needs us to be strong but I don’t feel very strong right now.” Both girls began to sob.
Katie came over to the girls and wrapped them up tight. “I understand your pain. I’ve had some long talks with God myself and have had all the same questions. If I had an answer for you I would give that to you in a heartbeat. What I do know is that your Dad woke up this morning and made his way downstairs. We sat on the couch talking about you both and he’s feeling well enough to go to your ceremony today.”
The girls gasped and Sam looked up at her mom, “Really, does that mean he’s getting better?”
“I would love to believe that but that’s up to God. What I do know is that your Dad is better today and I think this is an opportunity for us to have the best day we can. Let’s be thankful and live in the moment today. Tomorrow will work itself out. Can we do that? Can we promise each other that we won’t get stuck in the future but have the best day we can?”
The girls both hugged their mom tight and looked up with smiles and all the courage they could find and replied, “Yes, we can do that.”
“That’s my girls. You both go up and get yourself ready for the day. Don’t take too long though, breakfast will be ready soon!”
“Okay mom,” both girls said at the same time as they’ve done from the moment they were able to talk as if they lived in each other’s brain.
The girls hurried up the stairs both talking and giggling. As their words and laughter faded, Katie felt a sense of hope and a peace she had not had since Greg’s diagnosis. She pushed aside the doubt that she knew was waiting to take away this special day and chose to follow her own advice, to have the best day they could. She prayed, “Lord, keep the darkness away today and help us to come together as one family for each other but mostly, for Greg.”
~
It was the most normal morning they’d had in months sitting around their big farm table eating breakfast and hearing the girls talk about school and their friends and summer plans. Katie looked at Greg who had a unique glow to him that she couldn’t quite explain or put into words but it gave her calm and joy when the doubt and sadness wanted to make itself known. And she thanked God again for that as she announced, “We have 30 minutes to pick up these dishes and get out the door! Come on girls let’s turn on turbo mode and clean this mess up!”
The girls jumped up and began making engine sounds while frantically grabbing plates and silverware and putting them in the dishwasher. Making quick business of the clean-up process, they had everything cleared and put away in 10 minutes.
“Teamwork wins again!” Katie exclaimed as she and the girls gave a round of high-fives.
~
The ceremony for the girls was a flurry of activity. Greg soaked up every last minute and kept the tears back as he watched them singing in the choir and receiving awards for their work as volunteers at the children’s hospital where they went each week to read to the kids and help them with their homework. They also received awards for their grades and for exceeding the standards of several of the core subjects. “I know they are ready to conquer this world. I just wish I was going to be there to see it,” Greg whispered to Katie as they squeezed each other’s hands.
Katie could see that their active morning was starting to take its toll on Greg. Although he smiled and shook hands with many of the parents who they’d known for so many years, you could see the exhaustion in his eyes. With a knowing gaze at each other Katie said, “Let’s get home so we can rest up for the girl’s celebration tonight, what do you say?”
With a look of gratitude, Greg kissed his wife on the cheek and said, “You always know what I need even without me saying anything. I’m so thankful for you. This has been one of the best days of my life.”
“It’s not over yet,” Katie reminded him, “I told you I would always be here for you. We were put together for a reason. We are one heart. I’m so grateful for you and for all you’ve done for me and the girls. I love you so much.”
~
Once home it took a lot of pleading but Katie got Greg to take a nap before a small gathering of their family was to come over for a short celebration dinner in the evening. While Greg rested, Katie put up some decorations. The family insisted she had enough to take care of with Greg and said they would be bringing everything else. So she spent some time, while the girls were with their friends, gathering up pictures and talking to God.
“I don’t know what your plans are for this family. I want to believe that you have our best interests at heart but I don’t know how breaking up a family is going to do that. Help me to understand God. Please don’t let my bitterness and my anger consume me. Please protect my heart and the girl’s heart from what we will endure. I know you are faithful, help me with my faith. Help me to let go of my expectations and learn to trust in your plans for me and the girls. I’m laying it all in your hands. Amen.”
Come back next week to read more about Katie and Greg’s story. Will Katie learn to trust in God’s plans for her family in the midst of tragedy? Can she find peace through challenging times? What is God’s plan for Greg?
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